what is this
what is this website? why are you here? many of these questions will not be answered. sorry
woaw a website. i was never alive for the old internet, so i know not its true elegence, but based on a youtube video i saw about the indie web, it seems pretty cool. this is supposed to be an about me section innit. alright.
so this website will just be a place for me to think random thoughts into the ether. some may be vaugely hormy, these will be marked. most will just be me rambling about things i find interesting, becasue i detest modern social media but still want to shout into nothingness
on gender
gender is some bs. i just wanna be cute and have boobies kinda but I also still want to be a man. I wanna wear cute shit and look cute and be sought after, but issue is im ugly.
ooooh you might say, but you dont have to look cute to wear cute clothes n shit, and to that I say, sure yea, but also I want to look cute. I want to look like the femboys on the internet but I cant because my damned adhd doesn't like when it doesn't get immediate gratification. I just want to be cute and femme and wanted but instead im like 6' 3" and have a face like minecraft Steve. I hate it. my cat was named steve.
on school
school is weird. ive got a really good memory, so i have never really had to study, and now i am realizing that i do not really know how to study. like do i just read from my shitty notes? idk man
i wish i could just skip to college. idgaf abt school really at all other than i get to see my friends, but from the amount of ap classes i take you'd think it was all that mattered to me. ever since i was a kid the goal was to always go to college. i didn't know why, still don't really. ig to get a good job where i sit and work all day, to make money to use to do fun things? seems like a shit deal. and to get to the infinite slog, i need to put up with sitting still for 8 hours a day with nothing better to do than write on my damned website. now i love you dear reader, if you do exist, but truly if i could be doing anything more interesting right now i likely would be. im writing this out only because ive got nothing better to do. thats a lie. i want to put something meaningful into space, and i feel this is not it so im just trying to cover any tracks of trying to achieve meaning. bleh. i miss my cat
on internet ettiquitte
all the damned websites people make in this network say to msg them to add ur link to their site, but i have no clue if that is real and if i should comment or whatever. im at work writing this and its goddamned sweltering. i love my job, im not gonna tell you what it is dear viewer, cuz privicy on the internet, but it sure is a slog. its a lot of sitting. i need a boyfriend. i HORNY POST WARNING wanna get pinned to a wall and pistoned man HORNY BIT OVER. when i used to pick up my cat he would meow like MREEEOOOOWWwwww, and then like fall asleep on my chest. he was old when he died, but not like too old. he was like ten, and he had kitty arthritis. i wish i could just pick him up one more time man.
on sick
well dear reader, im sick, like have a fever type sick. may update less. bleh
update: i just had like a week where i was so sick i couldn't get out of bed lmao. i had like a 102 f fever. pretty goddamned miserable but now im back dear reader, im still sick, but now much less, which is good. now i have to catch up on schoolwork tho, and im a little cooked in that regard seeing as i missed like a week of school. welp, grind to the nosestone as they say.
on ap classes
hello again reader! im back from my slight break due to sick, as shown above, and am back to posting on here. i don't know if ive talked about this before but i am a highschool student who is in an UNGODLY amount of ap classes, 6 to be exact, and i gotta say, i dont get the hype.
before i started these, everyone said i was cooked, said that 6 aps is too many, but as far as i can tell its just more class. like its not easy, and if they were/are hard for you, no shade, but like ap lang is just an english class, apush is just a history class, ap spanish lang is just another spanish class. like i was so afriad going into this year and now its just... school. bleh. we added a new picture of my cat to the little shrine we made for him. i miss him a ton.
on infinite burnout
hello again dear reader! i return! MUAHAHAHAHA. i feel like ass. not because of the dark evil sick this time, but rather because of a new descriptor i invented: infinite burnout!
i know, i know, infinite burnout? isn't that a bit dramatic? yes. anyway it describes the feeling of being so burnt out that you loop back around to being able to function again, albeit because there is nothing else to do. right now its either curl up and die, or keep going to class and school, and continue to exist. its a dilema, because everything feels horrible, but not doing things feels worse, cuz i could be doing things. so im stuck between a rock and a hard place. either stop trying and feel like shit, or keep doing things and also feel like shit. bleh.
also WTF PEOPLE FOLLOW ME NOW?????????? WAT! ALSO LIKE NEARLY 200 VIEWS WTFFFFFF YALL CRAZY
on the future(bo burnham song)
hello again reader! i want death! (dw im safe just tired) anyway, i've been listening to the song the future by bo burnham a lot lately. not a great song to be listening to a lot but idk. anyway short little thing, prob will add more later but finals have begun!
Update: waow, since i last updated this page i have done 3 final exams. i feel like ass, but i yet live. ive been thinking about the american dream. for non americans (lucky) thats the idea of like "PuLl YoUrSeLf Up By YoUr BoOtStRaPs" success type mentality that proliferates in this godforsaken place, and ive decided it does not exist, at least not anymore. considering that the biggest successes in the world right now are white men who got lucky, i think that the real secret to success is luck, and you can pull on boots to make that exist. all we are now are jesters in the court of the rich, paying to dance for them, and hoping they throw us a coin in return. bleh.
on the time at school after spring break
hello again dear reader! its been a while! i am very very burnt out! (not on making website, but just generally.) theres too much school left over after spring break. like iknow its like 1/4 of the year, but it feels like its just like 4 weeks of noting, exams, then its over. it sucks bc i don't want to do anything, but now i have to do things because school! its the worst. im reading hous eof leaves right now, and i gotta say, that book is terrifing in a way that is entirely different to anything i've ever expierienced. the video essays don't do it justice. reading it makes you feel like at any moment you could mutate into a terrible monster,that still somehow looks human. i've got a theory for the meaning of life dear reader, and it involves a bottomless pit. essentially: finding the meaning of life is like finding the bottom of a bottomless pit. you just keep looking, down and down and down and down, and you never find anything. some may look down the pit and see a god at the bottom, but there is nothing there. some may find self enrichment at the bottom, but there is nothing there. some may just see fortune at the bottom, but there is nothing there, because there is no bottom to a bottomless pit. anyway this bottom needs someone to find the bottom of his pit ifyouknowwhatimsaying. fuckin kill me omg. anyway, hopefully ill return to updating stuff more frequently, yea. god i miss my cat.
p.s. would yall want to see more sections to this site? like games im playing, books im reading, music im listening to, etc? tell me in the neocities comments ig.